- I live in South Africa, and my four best friends live in different countries.
- Though our friendships have been long-distance for years, we’ve managed to stay close.
- Here’s how we keep our relationships strong regardless of where we live.
I live in South Africa, and we don’t do daylight savings here — but I always know when the time zones are changing. It’s the difference of an extra hour when speaking to my closest friends, all of whom are scattered across the globe.
At any given moment, I can tell you the time in Perth, where Ines lives. Ines and I have been friends since fourth grade (we had the same sharpener, which was basically a blood pact). The time is even easier to gauge with the others. Just an hour or two on the clock separates me from Bianca in Ireland, whom I’ve called my friend since we were 7; Jenna in the Netherlands, whom I’ve known since we were 12; and Penny in England, who came into my life when I was 23.
Years ago, they were all in South Africa, and I could see any one of them any given week. I didn’t see myself as lucky. I used to complain about the gridlocked traffic, an after-work fine to be paid to see a friend. Now, they’re all on different continents. And it’s lonelier than I expected.
While I’m grateful for tech advances that have made video calls so much easier than they were just a decade ago (the Skype ringtone still evokes mild trauma), it’s painful to map a year hoping for just a few hours with them. The outlook for this year is brilliant — I’ll be seeing two of my friends. And I live for the time I have with them, feeling as if I last hugged them only yesterday. But it doesn’t compensate for the harsh reality of cross-continental friendship formed in close quarters.
I grieve the loss of getting to know my friend’s new partner over icy cocktails in the lazy summer heat. I grieve the loss of watching my oldest friend’s belly jolt through a screen with baby kicks I can’t feel. I grieved the loss perhaps most keenly a few months ago, when my dad died, sending my world into freefall. They watched his memorial via livestream, sent flowers, ready-made meals, and constant check-in messages and calls, which meant so much… and I’d still have given just about anything to have them there to hold me together while I fell apart.
After decades of having friends far away, I've learned a few things that make the years between visits just a little more bearable.
Try to schedule calls in advance
Two of my close friends are doctors, so juggling trying to catch up with their on-call schedules can be tough. Try to plan a few weeks ahead and carve out an hour for a catch-up call, scheduling it like a meeting to prevent life getting in the way (it will anyway, but planning helps).
Be realistic with expectations
Since one of my friends had a baby, we've had to become a lot more flexible with our call times. Our seven-hour marathon catch-ups are a thing of the past. Instead, we opt for frequent check-ins, and she's the one who calls when it's convenient rather than me calling when it's not a good time to answer.
Send gifts for the milestones
I sent a pretty dress from South Africa to Ireland for a maternity shoot to the same friend who had a kitesurfer engraved on a necklace for me in remembrance of my dad's favorite sport. These little gifts can make such a difference when the distance feels like it's too much.
Use photos and voice notes wherever possible
I'm a fan of text messages as long as essays, but I really love seeing a voice note pop up. Between calls, I appreciate voice notes from my friends, even (maybe especially) the ones that are super long. I also love opening my phone to a surprise picture, whether it's the spectacular sunset they're enjoying or a steaming cup of glühwein at a glittering Christmas market. Send a message when you think of them.
Foster new friendships
Living life glued to a phone is easy — and tempting — but that's not where most of our memories are made. Having so many close friends in other countries has forced me to be more intentional about growing my friendships. I've become closer to old friends and made new ones, too. Nothing beats the well-worn familiarity of people who've known you forever, but there are special bonds to be made if you give it a chance.